Sometimes I wonder why stupid people are still on the planet...

and then I realized that if they continuing doing things like this they'll eventually weed themselves out.

Charlie Brown Kwanzaa

I thought in honor of one the oldest, most revered, and well respected holidays of all time, I would post one of my favorite Kwanzaa videos: Charlie Brown Kwanzaa

WARNING: this video will offend you, or it should anyway :P



Now go tell a black person how much you appreciate them.

-Ryan

TGIFJams: All Soulja boy, all the Time

Here are three video's of the same song, each slightly different enough to warranting a view. enjoy and watch your skin get darker.

The Original



The Funny



The Dope Remix



I'm off to buy some Bathin Apes,
-Ryan

Next week: I'm in the mood for Sauerkraut, stay tuned.

Klondike Bar

The Worst Thing Ever Done For a Klondike Bar -- powered by Cracked.com

I prefer Ice cream Samiches

Fact of the Week: A New Hope

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave a comment if you guys are enjoying these. I like them but if you guys don't I'll reduce the amount I put out.

In the U.S., rural students perform below average on standardized test; suburban children are in the middle of the curve, while urban children score higher then average. It may be that cities attract a more educated workforce and, therefore, parents with smarter kids.
That’s why in the small-ass town I live in the schools mascot is called a hill climber, WTF is a hill climber?

Fact of the Week and the Temple of Doom

In a continuing effort to educate the masses. Each week I'll post a new interesting FACT, and sometimes I'll add joke or goofy comment with it. let me know what you think.

The economist Kevin Murphy has calculated that in terms of long-term health implications, a cheeseburger costs $2.50 more than a salad.

That is why Big Macs have lettuce and onions on it, salad on beef.

More Toothpaste for Dinner

toothpastefordinner.com

Raiders of the Fact of the Week

In a continuing effort to educate the masses. Each week I'll post a new interesting FACT, and sometimes I'll add joke or goofy comment with it. let me know what you think.

According to prediction models, the expected rises on tempature and precipitation due to global warming will actually increase annual agricultural production in the U.S., and therefore agricultural profits, by about 4 percent, or $1.3 Billion.

And all of this extra food will go towards making America “Officially” the most obese nation on the planet. We’ll see no need to feed all the rest of the world with this surplus, the skinny darkies can fend for themselves.

Another Fact of the Week

Fact of the Week is a new feature to Lewlessons, in a continuing effort to educate the masses. Each week I'll post a new interesting FACT, and sometimes I'll add joke or goofy comment with it. let me know what you think.

In nineteenth-century Bavaria, excessive rain led to an increase in property crime. Why? The rain damaged the rye crop, which raised food prices, which led hungry families to steal. Violent crime, however went down. Rye was also used to make beer, so a price spike in rye led to a price spike in beer. As less beer was consumed, there were fewer assaults and murders

Beat Children

Because if you don't, they turn out like these little turds.





Praise the Lord for Birth control.

-Ryan

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Now playing: Beast - Mr. Hurricane
via FoxyTunes

Fact of the Week and the Last Crusade

Fact of the Week Boys and Girls!!

In the lobby of a Hyatt hotel, a one-day pass for wireless Internet connection cost $10.95. Not cheap, but standard for nice hotels. In the hotel’s ballroom, however- where corporate conferences are typically held-a one-day pass costs $300. Economists refer to such a scenario as price discrimination. Economists also refer to this as some ol’ Bullsh**.

Case of the Mondays

The past 24 hours have been hectic. I've worked a ton, been talked down to like a child, AND gotten to cuddle my wife. So in honor of all that here's a picture to brighten you day.
enjoy your week and I'll be in touch soon.

-Ryan

I am not batgirl...

So I just wanted to let everyone know that I got bit by a bat Saturday night. I'll let that soak in for a sec, that's right, a bat.

Ryan and I were asleep and I felt something hitting my arm. I thought it was Ryan, but when I looked, his hands were nowhere near my arm. So then I thought, "Maybe I was dreaming," although I was really in denial. So I decided to just go back to sleep. A minute later, I hear the bathroom door creak. So I flip on my back and I see it fly over the bed. I thought maybe it was just a flutter in my eye or something (still in denial) but I saw it again. So I hit Ryan and said, "THERE IS A BAT IN THIS ROOM AND IT HIT MY DAGGON ARM!!!" So he wakes up and says "I see it too." Then it flew into the living room.

Ryan gets up and grabs the tennis racket. We've started keeping a tennis racket in the living room because this makes bat #4 this year. The bat flies in between the living room and the kitchen a few times and then disappears. Ryan calls upstairs to my dad and says "Oh Steve-O, we have a visitor... and it has wings" So while my mom is yelling "Shut that door!" my dad comes downstairs and they try to find the bat. But they can't. So we decide to go back to bed and barricade ourselves in our bedroom.

Sunday morning, I wake up and there is a scratch and a bite mark on my arm where I felt the bat flapping the night before. The bat came out again Sunday night while Ryan and I were gone but my dad still couldn't catch it. It was seriously the smartest bat ever. Ryan thinks they're being genetically engineered next door. So my dad decides to stay up until 5 in the morning to see if it will fly out again. It didn't. I wake up Monday to get ready for work and go into the kitchen to fix my lunch. I turn on the light and I see it hanging from the curtains. So I wake up Ryan and he gets the racket and hits it, but it flies out from under it, circles the living/dining room area a couple times and then decides to hide in our bedroom. And we can't find it again. So I finish getting ready while Ryan lies under the covers with a tennis racket in his hand waiting for it to come out. It doesn't.

I go to work and my dad stays home to wait for it to come out and it doesn't. I got home last night and went to the ER to be vaccinated for rabies. The doctor said it definitely looked like a puncture wound on my arm. So I get a tetanus shot and 3 shots in my hips of the vaccination. I came home from the ER last night and it still wasn't out and the kitchen had been blocked off with a sheet in case the thing tried to hide in there again.

So we have dinner and then go into the living room and wait. When it got dark, we turned the lights out and the TV down and waited. Then it came out. Ryan and my dad both didn't see it so I yell "There it is!!" and run into the bedroom and close the door so it couldn't fly back in there. From the bedroom I can hear my dad and Ryan swinging the tennis racket and then I hear, "You've got to be kidding me!" Apparently, the thing had disappeared again. So they move the quilt cabinet in the corner of the dining room and it's hiding in the corner underneath it. It comes out and Ryan smashes it with the racket while my dad gets a shoe and beats it to death. Then we put it in a mason jar to take to the health department. They'll test it for rabies and if it is negative, I don't have to get the other 3 shots. Needless to say, the 3 shots I got last night have made me feel very sick so I am home from work today. Thanks for the day off rabies!

"You've lived a lie for so long, now you believe it"

I found this video and feel that everyone should watch it. there are better video's out there but this one is simple and to the point.

1. McCain is an idiot and a liar.
2. Look at the Picture of Mr. Samuel J. Gopher and play the clip.
3. You don't even need to watch the clip, just listen to it and concentrate on the gopher.
4. Realize that McCain never comes close to answering her question.
5. Crack up and share this with a friend.

"Mediocrity is the killer"

I went through my computer last night and found all of these old notes I had written to myself. I'll post another one Friday but below is one from my days at NBA. this was written sometime during the summer of 2006.


Today at work this supervisor Christine, who if she was a guy would be renamed Mike Hunt, asked me if I’ve ever heard of a guy named Gerry Rafferty.

I’m like “no, got no clue.” Didn’t know if he was a client, a new hire or what.

She said, “he wrote Boston ave. the song, you know it.”

“No Christine, got no clue.”

“Oh, come on, he was a famous singer in the 70’s and 80’s, you should know him.”

‘Christine, I wasn’t born until 1983, and no, I’ve never heard of him.”

“Really! How old are you?”

“…uh, I’m 25.”

“Wow, your kidding me, your that young. I thought you were in your 30’s”

“wow. 30 huh. Errrite. That’s cool.”

“No. you know. Just the way you are. I just thought you were older that’s all.”

“Well, my hemorrhoids have been itching lately and as of late it does feel like my hair is thinning.”

“…uhhh.”

And at that point, knowing my humor was lost on her, I turned around and put my face on my desk.

So because I pride my self on education and enjoy obtaining knowledge, automatically I’m middle aged. That’s kind of depressing. I take time out of my day to educate all of these idiots that they insist on placing around me at work, and that’s the thanks I get.

The real problem lies in the fact that half of the things I want to say I’m not allowed to and the other half is so condescending that no one would understand them anyways.

I know that’s a very elitist mentality but it’s just the way I feel. Most people are completely complacent with where they are in their lives and that’s just depressing. There are so many things out there in the world to see and do and experience that anyone who just wants to go home watch TV would just be taken out back and shot, society has no use for you. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say but the only benefit that these people have is I still need someone to screw up my taco bell order and I still need someone give me the wrong change when I get gas, and until they make a completely self sufficient machine, I still need someone to pickup my garbage. I mean sweet juicy Jesus, read a book. And the author needs to have a PH, D. after his name. and no before you ask Dr. Atkins and Dr. Phil don’t count (Dr. Phil has his own circle of hell waiting on him.)

"You wear that Cross like a Dagger"

HOUSTON (AP) — Renowned evangelical pastor Joel Osteen told jurors Friday that his wife never assaulted a flight attendant over a small spill on her airplane seat.

Osteen was called as a witness Friday in the civil trial of a lawsuit filed by Continental Airlines flight attendant Sharon Brown, who has accused Victoria Osteen of assaulting her before the start of a 2005 flight to Vail, Colo.

During nearly two hours of testimony, Joel Osteen, who was on the same flight, said the incident was "an unfortunate misunderstanding" stemming from his wife's requests for flight attendants to clean up a spill on the armrest of her first-class seat.

Ok, first of all, the article doesn't say the flight attendant spilled the drink on her or even spilled the drink at all. From this point Mrs. Osteen really starts to shine.

Victoria Osteen said when she first told a flight attendant about the spill, she was handed some napkins. She said she responded, "'It's not my job.' I didn't say it in an ugly tone of voice."

"We would never disrespect authority or disrespect (Brown). There's no way in the world," Victoria Osteen assaulted Brown, said Joel Osteen, who was called to the witness stand by Brown's attorney, Reginald McKamie.

Osteen then serenaded the courtroom with his split tongue southern draw, "I'm too busy counting the millions I've made from the suckers who have bought my books to disrespect authority."

Then just in case you have you have no clue who these people are or why you should care about any of this...

Joel and Victoria Osteen are co-pastors of Houston's Lakewood Church, which draws about 42,000 people each week for services. Joel Osteen's weekly television address is broadcast nationally and internationally and who has written books that have been sold around the globe.

On Thursday, another flight attendant on the plane, Maria Johnson, testified that Victoria Osteen demanded special attention to clean up the small spill. When she didn't get her way, Osteen became verbally and physically abusive to both flight attendants, eventually grabbing Brown by the shoulders, elbowing her in the chest( note: I've also heard it was "the left breast" CAT FIGHT and pushing her out of the way in an attempt to get into the cockpit, Johnson testified.

Brown claims in her lawsuit that after pushing her, Victoria Osteen tried to get into the cockpit. Victoria Osteen denied that, telling jurors she just wanted to get away from the situation.

I've flown first class, and it ain't that big. "Away from the situation," where are you going babes, from the front of the closet to the back of the closet? Retard.

McKamie also asked Joel Osteen why he said in one of his religious messages that if it wasn't for him, his wife would be in prison.

Osteen said he meant it to be a comical statement about the differences between him and his wife, that he likes routine and considers himself boring while his wife is outgoing and likes to go to new restaurants and new places.

"You don't go to jail because you like different restaurants, do you?" McKamie asked, as the packed courtroom laughed.

"No sir," Joel Osteen said.

I have no clue why this is in the article or why it's relevant. what a douche. make that a douche nozzle, that's the business end.

McKamie also asked Osteen whether his family was used to getting special treatment, making reference to an anecdote in one of the pastor's books in which he wrote about being allowed to take an expensive television camera onboard a flight to India even though it was against the rules.

"You feel that you're entitled to the favor of God ... to do things other people can't do," McKamie said.

"All of God's children are," Osteen said.

"and by "all of God's children" I mean anyone who has ever prayed for Jesus to mail them money because I've told them to," Osteen added.

Brown has claimed the flight attendants asked to have Victoria Osteen removed from the plane, but Joel Osteen testified he and his family left voluntarily.

The Federal Aviation Administration fined Victoria Osteen $3,000 for interfering with a crew member.

Joel Osteen said his wife did not want to pay the fine but he convinced her to do so because he thought it would be a way to put the incident behind them even though they felt they did nothing wrong.

Brown wants an apology and punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of Victoria Osteen's net worth as part of her lawsuit. Brown claims she suffers from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder because of the incident and that her faith has been affected. She is also suing for counseling expenses.

Dear parishioners of Lakewood Church, y'all better pass the offering plate around again this week, because when Vicki spills her third rum and coke on her arm rest, someone's gonna get a titty twister.

That's Hot

So first of all, let me say that I heart tomatoes. I got some from a guy at work and just ate one and it was delicious. Now onto the dumb comment of the day...

A lady at work today said that Paris Hilton was the reason other nations don't respect the United States. Let me put this into context. We were watching CNN at lunch and they were talking about the video Paris Hilton did in response to John McCain's political ad. (Ryan note: If you haven't see it, I embedded it below)

They were showing some comments that people had given and one said something along the lines of I'd rather have Paris Hilton in politics than John McCain in a sex video (which I totally agree with btw...eww). That's when the lady said that Paris Hilton was the reason other nations didn't respect the United States. And it wasn't like a "other nations don't respect the US because of things or people like Paris Hilton" kind of comment, it was a "Specifically, Paris Hilton is the reason other nations don't respect the US" kind of comment. While I do agree that Paris Hilton is an embarassment to this country, she is more than likely not the reason we garner such little respect from some nations. Most of it probably has to do with the moral compass (or lack thereof) of this country as a whole, as well as the crap job our nation's leader has done.

So, question of the day: Who/what do you think is responsible for our country's lack of respect?

Open Mouth insert Foot

Dear Celia,
I'm an asshole. Plain and simple. I shot my mouth off before thinking.Ii realized that once I posted my reaction that the only people who read my blog are people who know me, and no one I know deserves to be call an idiot. So please accept my sincere apology and for the record you're on pace to win 20 of the 30 dollars, subscribe to the feed and you can donate the money to the Jerry Lewis telethon, or ice cream whichever. so in summation, I'm retarded please still love me.

-Ryan

P.S. on a completely unrelated note, DUG learn how to spell ridiculous, ya idiot.

The voice of reason

So I felt the need to respond to this the moment I read it. I finally get someone to leave a comment, and as I’ve stated in the past I will respond to any comment left but I felt I should be especially hasty in responding to this one.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Who doesn't love money":

Why wouldn't you just give $30 to someone or something (an organization or what have you) who really needs it?



First and foremost the word that makes me so pissed I could scream is the first word I read, Anonymous. Now I understand if you don’t have a Google account so it wont show your real name but all you have to do to alleviate that is this.

Sincerely,
-Whoeveriam

Secondly and more importantly what gives you the right to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do with my money. How do you know what amount of money I give to people or organizations each year. You know why wouldn’t know, because you never asked you smart ass. I give substantial amounts of money to organizations like RadioU and Inner City Impact each year, you can also ask people I know that I tend to be the guy giving money to the homeless dude downtown who comes up to ask for it. So don’t question what I do with my money, its mine. I worked for it and if I want to pile it all up, slide down it and then set it on fire, so be it, I can do that.

Third, the point of doing it the way i'm doing is to get people to post and to get their freinds and family to read, is to entice them with cold hard cash. looks like it backfired on me because the only person who posted hates the idea of free money.

Finally you an idiot. Because If you would have left your name, you could have won at least 20 of the 30 dollars and then gone to the pound and saved a puppy from the gas chamber. Good on ya.

L’Chayim,
-Ryan


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Now playing: Lamb Of God - Omerta
via FoxyTunes

Sucks to be Them

In my never ending response to answer every reader question that is submitted, today’s question comes from Turdtsar, who writes.

"My question is this: If a plane left Seattle flying at 500MPH and another left New York flying at 650MPH where exactly would they crash into each other? I really need to know so I will not be in that location."

Well that’s a great question Turd. I did some math and have come up with the following calculations.

The plane leaving Seattle traveling at 500 mph, it would take approximately 5.5 hours to reach New York, but if we factor in the jet stream we can call it an even 5 hours.

The plane leaving New York traveling at 650 mph would take approximately 4.5 hours to reach Seattle, but again factoring in the jet stream we’ll say it’s an even 5 hours.

It’s 2,880 from JFK airport in New York to Seattle international, and traveling at the same speed, this leads me to believe that they would crash almost dead (haha) in the middle of their routes. Approximately 1,440 miles from Seattle is Sioux City, Iowa. So to finally answer your question

If a plane left Seattle flying at 500MPH and another left New York flying at 650MPH they would crash into each other in Sioux City Iowa.


I hope this helped you Turd and all you other readers. Now if any one has any questions like, “what career path should I chose?” or “How do I get a girl to like me?” or “ how do I stop wetting the bed?” please email me at lilking783@gmail.com or post a comment.
So in summation, if you had planned on traveling to Sioux City any time soon, don’t. and if you live in Sioux City Iowa, sucks to me you, move, God forgot about you people a long time ago.

L’chayim,

-Ryan