Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Someone is Wasting their 15 minutes and it ain't Me

This weeks post comes from Kyle Freaking Borton (the lone voice of
the masses who repond to this EPIC blog)

Kyle writes:


You were a tad bit off in your math on this one, and me being a math
major and OCD out the ass, I had to do this problem...

The actual length between the 2 airports in 2414 miles straight line,
but with flight patterns mixed in (these would typically go up amost
to Canada ), we could say right around 3100 miles, and that's if the
flight patterns are basically identical.

Now, with the plane coming from Seattle at 500mph, a normal 6.2 hour
filght would be cut about 1.1 hours shorter by the jet stream from
being up north further. so we will say around 5.1 hour flight.

The JFK plane traveling 650mph would have right around a 4.75 hour
flight; but the jet stream and the winds from the great lakes, we
would have to add around 1.3 hours; so around a 6.05 hour flight.

Now, looking at the flight patterns, the only place the 2 planes
could possibly collide is around the Iron River/Crystal Falls, Michigan area ( Upper Pennisula ). Stupid Michigan . No one should
live there anyways. BUT back to the point... For the planes to
collide here, the one departing from Seattle would have to leave
about 25-30 minutes before the one from JFK.

SO the answer to that question is "nowhere. They would not hit each
other if they left at the same time."
Yes, It's retarded that I just worked this all out. But I had to
prove you wrong on that front. Oh, and you owe me a sweet prize.

The sweet prize that Kyle is referring to is my Marital thesis I
posted May 10th ( you can find it in the archives) where i stated the

"Whoever finds the hidden message, post it in the comments, and you’ll win a prize, a for real prize."

Well the real prize that I was going to present to the winner was a
whole blog post dedicated to them. Well guess what Kyle, since you
had to be such a smart-ass and go and correct me, congratulations,
this is your big expose, link this to your facebook so that everyone
can see your such a big internet celebrity. Chocolate rain and 2
girls 1 cup has got nothing on you. Ya Dick.


Monday, May 12, 2008

Sucks to be Them

In my never ending response to answer every reader question that is submitted, today’s question comes from Turdtsar, who writes.

"My question is this: If a plane left Seattle flying at 500MPH and another left New York flying at 650MPH where exactly would they crash into each other? I really need to know so I will not be in that location."

Well that’s a great question Turd. I did some math and have come up with the following calculations.

The plane leaving Seattle traveling at 500 mph, it would take approximately 5.5 hours to reach New York, but if we factor in the jet stream we can call it an even 5 hours.

The plane leaving New York traveling at 650 mph would take approximately 4.5 hours to reach Seattle, but again factoring in the jet stream we’ll say it’s an even 5 hours.

It’s 2,880 from JFK airport in New York to Seattle international, and traveling at the same speed, this leads me to believe that they would crash almost dead (haha) in the middle of their routes. Approximately 1,440 miles from Seattle is Sioux City, Iowa. So to finally answer your question

If a plane left Seattle flying at 500MPH and another left New York flying at 650MPH they would crash into each other in Sioux City Iowa.

I hope this helped you Turd and all you other readers. Now if any one has any questions like, “what career path should I chose?” or “How do I get a girl to like me?” or “ how do I stop wetting the bed?” please email me at or post a comment.
So in summation, if you had planned on traveling to Sioux City any time soon, don’t. and if you live in Sioux City Iowa, sucks to me you, move, God forgot about you people a long time ago.



Saturday, May 10, 2008

Marital Bliss

So I was thinking this afternoon about what I could post, since the one advice question I was asked has been answered ( that’s what we call a subtle hint to all you laymen out there.) After reviewing what I had planned this weekend, I came up with a few different things that I’ll post over the upcoming days and weeks.
First of all let me say congrats to Mr. & Mrs. Greg Meredith. By the time anyone reads this they’ll have been married for a few hours. A few weeks ago Greg and I had breakfast and he asked what he needed to know to be a new husband. In honor of the newlyweds, I’ll share the quips and wit I bestowed upon him to you all now.

1. Sacrifice - the first thing you’ll learn about being married is that you are the most selfish person on the planet. You quickly come to the conclusion that your own wants and desires come second to your wife’s. No longer are the days of staying out until 4 kickin it with your buddies and makin midnight runs to the waffle house, then stopping by wal-mart to buy a 360 game for no reason. You stay home all the time hanging out with her watching TV or a movie and you’re in bed by 10 (or in Megan’s case 7 jk) you plan to go to the grocery like it’s such a chore, but reschedule it because you’re too lazy to go.
But the truly unique thing about all of this is that you don’t care. One of my wife and I’s favorite activities is what we call NO SHOWER SUNDAYS. It consists of getting up whenever, reading post secret, watching Veronica Mars (one of the best shows ever made, Netflix it). Then we go upstairs to play Lego star wars. Grab lunch, head back down stairs to watch TV or a movie (maybe get a little coital) , and generally just waste the day away. But you know the best part, I love it. The day flies by, but there’s no one I would rather spend it with.

2. Examination - the second thing you’ll start to do is examine your relationship. You’ll do everything in your power to make your wife happy. I’d rather lose a finger then have my wife pissed at me. You’ll start doing dumb stuff you would never consider doing for another woman to please her. Of all the things you do for your wife, 95% of it will go unnoticed ( at least visibly or orally anyway), but you can’t complain because you know damn good and well she goes out of her way for you and you never notice either. Always do little things to show your wife you love her. She was dumb enough to marry you, so edify (praise- your big word of the day) her constantly. Last night I left a card for her in her car, so that when she got in the car this morning she would have a little surprise. It took hardly no time to do, and she knows that your thinking of her.

3. Xylophone - now, you may be asking yourself what does the most oddly spelled instrument on the planet have to do with having a healthy marriage. Take a moment to look at the whole page. Really let your eyes relax and you see the hidden message. The hidden message is a vital part of a healthy marriage. I had to keep that on the DL. Whoever finds the hidden message, post it in the comments, and you’ll win a prize, a for real prize.

I would like everyone to do me a favor, copy the link to the site up above, and post it somewhere on the net, whether that be in a message board signature, your myspace or face book, or your own site, I want this thing to grow, but I need your help.


Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Artist of our Generation

So Kyle freaking Borton and I got into discussion the other day about who we feel is the musical artist of out generation. This really got me thinking about all of the different options that could constitute such a title.
For example he said Blink-182, then he cried a single tear when I openly mocked him to his face. My first choice was the Foo Fighters. Now the more I’ve got to think about it I came up with other people like Justin Timberlake, Weezer, Red Hot Chili Peppers, ect. So what I’ve decided to do it to setup a bracket so determine the champion.

Now I know your thinking, “Ryan, how can I help, or more importantly, why should I care?” Well my dear and loyal readers ( all 8 of you) you shall decide the fate of this endeavor. Post on my facebook who should be included, or leave a comment on this blog, or email me at and we’ll setup a battle royale. I’ll leave the suggestion box open for one week, then the tournament will start,

I feel this could be something really cool, so take the time to participate in this, and I’ll post the results as soon as it’s finished.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Is it cannibalism if they taste good?

So the first comment I got on this blog had a Question in it, and as I stated I would answer anything that comes across my desk. So our first question comes from Kyle. Kyle wrote

"If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?"

I'm under the impression that Kyle thinks I wont take this seriously, but oh cointreau.

I think there are several factors that weigh in with something like this.
1. Do I have access to condiments? If so, what kind?
2. Am I stranded on a deserted island, or am I on the way to work?
3. Where could I find a bun(s) to accommodate such an endeavor?

I have been debating this question all week and I think I have my answer. Yes I would eat myself. I’d cover myself in mustard and chili and cheese and I’d be delicious. My only fear would be that I’d be so delicious I would know when to stop. Sure eating away at this gut I have or my huge yet muscular calves or my cankles would take some time, but I love hotdogs, and hotdogs love me. What’s really funny about this whole situation is earlier this afternoon Megan and I were working on a puzzle, watching TV and I watched a hour long special about the best places in America to get a hotdog. Now all I can think about is driving to Jersey to get a hotdog.

This shhtoopid question has taken me to the brink of madness, but hey, that's what I do for my readers. I pray that God never forces me to make a decision like, “If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself.”